


Impossible

by Lysippe



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Fandom, I was feeling nostalgic and I've wanted to redo this one for a long time, Joniss - Freeform, and I've wanted to redo this one for a long time, i was feeling nostalgic, of one of the first fics I ever wrote for the, so I just kind of went with it, this is a rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:41:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8281346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lysippe/pseuds/Lysippe
Summary: It wasn’t until Katniss showed up unannounced in District 7 on frigid December morning, that she realized how far Johanna had fallen since the revolution.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is actually a rewrite of one of my first fics for the Joniss fandom. I've been feeling nostalgic and this was a project I've been meaning to take on for a couple of years now, so it seemed like a good time. I was always particularly dissatisfied with the original draft of this fic, and I feel like I'm a much better writer than I was when I wrote it, with a much better grasp of those characters. This is honestly totally self-indulgent, but I figured I'd get it posted anyway just for the sense of completion.

It wasn’t until Katniss showed up unannounced in District 7 on frigid December morning, that she realized how far Johanna had fallen since the revolution. The radio silence, however, had all but gone unnoticed by the few people who would still call her a friend. As everyone worked to pull together the messy bits and jagged pieces of what was left of their lives and homes, no one reached out too far beyond their borders anymore. The fact that Johanna was alone within hers had been more or less forgotten.

Although Johanna probably liked it that way.

At times, Johanna’s behavior closely resembled that of a petulant child, with her outbursts and her temper tantrums and her general insistence on revealing intimate details about herself, then shoving anyone who might have heard out to arm’s length before they caught a closer glimpse. But, Katniss had come to realize, it was all calculated. Even before they left District 13, she could see it wearing down their allies, in the irritated tone of Gale’s voice, and the roll of Haymitch’s eyes, and the resigned shake of Finnick’s head. But Katniss had always been torn between the urge to land a punch straight between Johanna’s eyes, and the desire to know more, be closer, listen harder.

And Katniss wasn’t _surprised_ that Johanna was struggling. She was driven by purpose, and for too long she had let rage chart her course in life. But now, left alone with all the anger she had before, and none of the direction, Johanna was lost. Yet, even that knowledge did not prepare Katniss for the sight that greeted her when she cautiously pushed open the door to Johanna’s cramped, dimly lit cabin, after both knocking and shouting had failed to garner a response.

Clothing of all varieties was piled on the floor, seemingly left wherever Johanna had stripped out of it, and judging by the short-sleeve shirts and shorts, much of it had probably been there since the much warmer months. What appeared to be every piece of dinnerware Johanna owned was piled high in the sink, and bootprints caked with mud made their way across the floor. It was the home of someone sorely lacking in company.

“Whoever’s out there, you have five seconds to get the fuck out before I force the issue!”

So Johanna _was_ home, after all.

“It’s me, Johanna,” Katniss called back, not entirely certain that this announcement would dramatically improve her chances of surviving the encounter.

And yet, within seconds, Johanna was standing in the doorway, wearing nothing but a flannel shirt and underwear. She looked entirely as disorganized as her home. “What are you _doing_ here, brainless?”

“I knocked,” Katniss said defensively, looking purposefully into Johanna’s eyes, and _not_ at the bare legs on display before her.

 “I heard you. I was hoping you would give up and go away.”

Of course she was. Because Johanna didn’t care that she was the only person Katniss still thought of as a friend. She didn’t care about the times Katniss had crawled into her bed in their compartment to murmur away nightmares of bare skin and running water and ten thousand volts of electricity in her veins. And she definitely didn’t care that she had once, in her most vulnerable moments, told Katniss that she was almost like having a family (“but a family you can’t stand”).

Though in her defense, Katniss supposed, all of that had flown out the window when she had hopped a train for 12 with Peeta, leaving Johanna alone once more

“Your house is a sty, Johanna.” Katniss knew it was the wrong thing to say, but every other option seemed equally wrong to her.

“Well, you’re welcome to leave, then, seeing as how you _weren’t invited in the first place_ ,” Johanna snapped. Glancing around in observance of the chaos surrounding her, she added sullenly, “I like it this way.”

 _Why_ had she thought that visiting Johanna would be a good idea, again? “Okay, I’m sorry. Your house is lovely, and so are you, and would you please either invite me in or kick me out so I at least know what the next few hours of my life are going to look like?”

To her surprise, Johanna moved aside, granting Katniss entry.

“Thank you. Can I… make you some tea or something?” Katniss glanced warily at the sink and cringed, hoping Johanna didn’t take her up on her offer. She wasn’t entirely certain she could even find a cup to use.

“Isn’t making you tea and all that my bullshit job at the host?” Johanna asked.

“Well, you weren’t offering, so I figured I would take initiative.” She didn’t necessarily mean for her words to sound as accusatory as they did, but she also wasn’t particularly upset that they had.

The jab did, however, seem to spur Johanna into action, and Kantiss followed her into the kitchen, watching as small, calloused hands scrubbed two mugs lean and put a kettle on the stove. “You never answered my question.”

“What question?”

A roll of the eyes. _“Why are you here?”_

“Oh.” Katniss didn’t really know what to say. She had been so confident in her decision to come to District 7, but she was beginning to realize that maybe she hadn’t taken the chance to figure out _why_ , exactly.” “12 was getting a little… I don’t know. I just couldn’t be there anymore. It just feels… haunted, you know?.”

Johanna did know.

“So you thought, hey, let’s go visit Johanna all the way on the other side of the nation. She and I were always _such good friends_.”

“Well, where _else_ was I going to go? It’s not like I have a ton of friends in other districts.” Katniss pulled her chin up defensively, willing herself not to show Johanna how much her words stung.

“With your personality, it’s surprising you have any.” Johanna was in top form, apparently, attacking the first person who had seen fit to contact her in months. She briefly considered apologizing, but before she had the chance to consider it seriously, Katniss flashed a tired smile.

“Like you’re one to talk.”

“Hey, I am fucking _delightful_ , thank you very much.”

She looked so petulant that Katniss couldn’t help herself. The laughed bubbled up from her chest, feeling like it was cracking her heart open in the process. She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed. That, she supposed, was one reason she had left. It beat slowly dying in the same place as everyone else she had ever loved.

It had felt like it only lasted a few precious seconds, but when Katniss looked back up at Johanna, she saw her standing above her, holding a steaming mug out towards her.

“Seriously, though,” Johanna repeated. “Why _me_?

“I already told you. Pretty much everyone else I knew from outside 12 is dead.”

“There’s Annie.”

“All Annie and I ever had in common was Finnick,” Katniss said plainly. “And honestly, if I’m looking to get _away_ from pain, Annie is pretty much the last person I would go to.”

Katniss didn’t say anything more, but Johanna understood perfectly. The last thing she wanted was to be around someone so young and innocent, so soon after the death of her sister.

“So what do you and I have in common, then What makes me such a better choice?”

“I don’t know,” Katniss said slowly, brow furrowed slightly. “We lived together. Fought together. We…” she trailed off, shrugging, and stared into the mug cooling on the table.

“Gotta get into the habit of finishing those sentences, Everdeen.”

Katniss glared. “You _kissed me_. That one time. Back in 13.”

“I’ve kissed a lot of people,” Johanna said arily.

“ _Johanna_.”

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t think you remembered that. You were pretty out of it.”

“I was scared, not catatonic. What, did you think I was asleep or something?”

“Obviously not.” Johanna scoffed into her tea. That was exactly what she had thought. No one had ever accused her of being an especially honorable person. “Why are we talking about this, anyway? What about bread boy and your little happily-ever-after ending? Where’s _he_ factor into all of this?”

As upset as Katniss looked at the mention of Peeta, Johanna had a feeling it wasn’t about him. “Come on, Johanna,” she said softly. “We both knew that was never going to work.”

“He sure seemed to think it would.”

“That’s because Peeta always wants to see the best in people. I think he thought that after the revolution, things would be different. That _I_ would be different. But they aren’t, and I’m not. We needed each other back then, but we don’t need each other anymore. The life he wants, the life he always wanted, I couldn’t be a part of that even if I wanted to.”

“So what you’re saying is, you’re too fucked up for him, but you’re probably not too fucked up for me, so here you are.” The words settled like acid in Johanna’s stomach, eating away at her with an honesty she typically avoided at all costs. She may not have had much self respect, but that was a new low, even for her.

“ _No_. Yes. No. I don’t _know_ , Johanna. I’m not in love with Peeta. I don’t think I ever was, but I’m definitely not now.” Katniss had taken on the same panicked expression she always did when someone asked her to articulate her feelings, but Johanna refused to feel badly about it.

“Hey, it’s decent logic. I mean, I’m pretty much the cream of the fucked up crop, aren’t I? You can’t _possibly_ be too broken for _me_ , right?”

“I wouldn’t _know_ , Johanna!” The ferocity in Katniss’ takes Johanna by surprise. “You never gave me a chance to find out.”

Well, that wasn’t a lie.

“I’m not just here because I can’t be with Peeta,” Katniss continued, lowering her volume. “He would have stayed with me, you know? I just didn’t… it just didn’t feel _right_ , okay? _I_ left. And it wasn’t a popular decision. Haymitch wouldn’t talk to me for a week, and when he did, it was just to tell me how stupid I am.”

And when slate grey eyes stare her down, wounded and vulnerable and _absolutely confident,_ Johanna scowls. “Well, Haymitch is full of shit. It doesn’t matter why, or what was going through your head at the time. It doesn’t matter if you feel guilty or like you weren’t good enough, or whatever other stupid shit was going through your head. If it felt wrong to you, you were right to leave.”

God, she was giving _morality advice_.

“Thanks.” The word was muffled as Katniss ran her hands down her face. “At least _someone_ doesn’t think I’ve messed everything up.”

“Nah, not everything.” At Katniss’ glare, Johanna grimaced and sat down, stretching her bare legs out onto the table. “He’s not important enough for you to be able to mess up _everything_ just by breaking up with him.”

Katniss sighed, unimpressed. “Do you _ever_ wear clothes?”

“I try to avoid it,” Johanna said, a lazy smile playing at her lips. “Besides, it’s nice and toasty in here. You know. District 7. Lumber. Lots of firewood. Gotta pass the time somehow. Putting on pants just seems like _such_ a waste of energy.”

“So I should just be glad you’re wearing a shirt, huh?”

“Glad? You wound me, Everdeen.” Katniss couldn’t tell whether the acid in Johanna’s voice was meant for her, or if it was just a natural progression of her normal tone. “And need I remind you, you are sitting in _my_ house, drinking _my_ tea, and complaining about the fact that you have a half-naked woman on display for your viewing pleasure?”

“What makes you think it’s a pleasure for me?” Katniss asked, suddenly feeling more than a little defensive.

“Basic deductive abilities?”

Johanna smiles, big and toothy, and Katniss feels for all the world like she is staring down a wild dog. It isn’t pleasant.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It _means_ ,” Johanna says, as though _what it means_ could not possibly be more obvious, “that you didn’t look me in the eye _once_ before I let you in here.”

“Well, I’m _so_ sorry that I’m not as _accustomed_ to seeing people answer the door in their underwear,” Katniss snapped. “That’s not really something people _do_ in 12.”

“Bullshit. You’ve been in the Capitol. You _lived with me._ You’ve see me naked a dozen times. Shouldn’t be anything new. So, might as well admit it. You’re enjoying the view.” Johanna slid her legs off the table, leaning forward as her feet hit the ground.

Katniss hated herself for the fact that all she could think of to say was, “Am _not_.”

Johanna’s smile took on a predatory bent. “Oh, yes you are. You can’t keep your eyes off me.”

“Yes, I _can_.”

“She says to my chest.”

“Johanna, _cut it out_.” Katniss felt the heat rushing up her neck, flooding her cheeks.

“’Course I am. But apparently you’re not. Why not just admit it? I’m a big girl, I can handle someone staring at my tits.”

“Fuck you.”

“Are you offering? Because I mean, usually I’m a second date kind of gal, but I could consider making an exception.”

“Even if I _had_ been staring, which I haven’t, _so what_? I’m not the one who kissed you in the middle of the night, then pretended it didn’t happen!”

That seemed to take the wind out of Johanna’s sails somewhat, Katniss noted with some satisfaction. But to her immense irritation, Johanna said nothing, just grimaced and shrugged one shoulder.

“Why’d you _do it_?” Katniss asked finally, softening her tone to something she hoped would prove more likely to get her the answers she needed.

“What, kiss you, or pretend it never happened?”

“Either. Both.”

“I dunno. It seemed like the thing to do at the time.” It was just about the lamest answer Johanna could have given, but they were the only words she had with which to defend herself.

“That,” Katniss said incredulously, “is _not_ an answer.”

“Well, what do you _want_ me to say, then?” Johanna’s voice rose, her tone becoming more than a little shrill. “Some bullshit about how you looked _so peaceful_ for the first time since I met you? That I couldn’t help it? That I wanted to see what the big fuss was, since everyone else seemed to be in love with you? That you were the only thing that made me actually _want_ to get over the shit the Capitol put me through? Is that what you _want_ to hear?”

Katniss was silent for a long moment, and Johanna was fairly certain that they could both hear her heart pounding high in her throat. Finally, one deep breath later Katniss rested her chin on her hands, and said, “Is that the truth?

“Maybe.” It was out of Johanna’s mouth before she had a chance to think about it.

“That’s not an answer, either,” Katniss said, unamused.

“Fine. Then it’s the truth. Happy now?”

“But then why pretend it didn’t happen?”

“I already told you, I don’t-“

“Do not _think_ about saying you don’t know again,” Katniss interrupted. “I’m tired of trying to drag this out of you.”

“I thought you were asleep. And the timing was really bad. What with the whole thing with Peeta, and—“

“What _about_ Peeta?”

“Let me _finish_ , brainless, and maybe you’ll find out.” Johanna crossed her arms, tapping her index finger on the table until Katniss sat back, somewhat mollified. “You may be over him now, but you definitely weren’t then, and even if something _had_ come of it, _Peeta_ would always have been in the back of your mind. Besides, how exactly would I have gone about bringing that up? ‘Hey, roomie, how’d you sleep, and by the way I don’t know if you remember but I kissed you last night? And hey, since you obviously _do_ remember, so why didn’t _you_ just bring it up?” The words rushed out of her mouth so quickly that Johanna barely had time to process what she was saying. But Katniss was just staring, not glaring at her or looking like she was going to slap her, or _actually_ slapping her, so it probably wasn’t _too_ bad.

“I was scared,” Katniss said, at last.

 “Of what? I don’t bite. Well, unless you’re into that, in which case I can roll with that.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Obviously I’m not, because I’m here.”

Katniss rolled her eyes, but Johanna saw the twitch of a smile that accompanied her irritated grunt of disgust.

“Seriously, though,” Johanna pressed. “What were you so scared of? It’s not like asking someone why they kissed you is an unreasonable question.”

“Well, it kind of came out of nowhere, didn’t it?” Katniss said pointedly. “One day you’re telling me you find me unbearable, and the next you’re kissing me. I had _no idea_ what it meant, much less how I _felt_ about it, and what if you’d _laughed_ at me? That probably would have been my best case scenario, anyway. So, gee, I have _no idea_ why I didn’t just _ask you_.”

Johanna didn’t say anything for a moment, index finger still tapping out a steady beat on the table. Then, at last, she looked up, brown eyes piercing straight through Katniss, and said, “I wouldn’t have laughed at you.”

“Well, how was _I_ supposed to know that?” Katniss asked. “I don’t know how _you_ remember those days, but I seem to recall you _constantly_ making fun of me and telling me how innocent and stupid I was. I figured you were just trying to mess with me, or that I was misinterpreting things, or being _brainless_ again.”

Johanna hated when Katniss was right. “Well, I wasn’t, and you weren’t.”

“And what about now?”

“What _about_ now?”

Katniss stared down at the table, wrinkling her nose as she took a sip of her now-chilled cup of tea. “Am I misinterpreting things now?”

“That depends,” Johanna said cautiously, “entirely on what you’re _interpreting_ right now.”

Realizing that Johanna had absolutely no intention of meeting her halfway, Katniss sighed deeply and steeled herself for the jump she was about to take, straight off a cliff. “That you _still_ want to kiss me.”

Johanna was halfway through opening her mouth to say ‘maybe’ again, when she thought better of it. If Katniss fucking Everdeen could take the plunge, she could sack up and follow suit. She wasn’t _that_ pathetic. Leaning across the table, she grabbed Katniss by the sweater, pulling her forward until she was close enough to kiss.

 _“Yes,_ ” she breathed, and let go. “Your move, brainless.”

“Seriously, impossible,” Katniss said, before closing the gap.

When they parted, Johanna grinned, cheeky and just a little warm, and said, “Sucks to be you, then, because you definitely can’t make out with someone who’s impossible.”

“God, you just _have_ to have the last word, don’t you?”

“It’s okay, though, because you love me anyway,” Johanna said, the gravity of her words in their current context taking a moment to settle in.

“ _Oh_. I-“

“It was a joke, brainless. Just forget I said anything.” Johanna stood abruptly, grabbing the teacups and placing them atop the pile of dirty dishes in the sink before making her way into the living room, leaving Katniss sitting awkwardly at the table.

“No, I _won’t_ forget you said anything,” Katniss said, getting up to follow Johanna. “God, and you call _me_ brainless. Seriously? Do you really believe that I traveled all the way across the damn country just to see your smiling face and find out if you wanted to kiss me?

“How should I know?” Johanna shot back. “I was just lounging around, enjoying the morning, and then all of a sudden you’re at my door telling me that my house is too messy and I need to wear more clothes and you want to kiss me but you didn’t tell me that until just now!”

Johanna Mason half-naked and shouting wasn’t a new sight to Katniss, but she had never quite figured out an appropriate response for it. So she settled on letting Johanna figure out how to proceed herself. And proceed, she did.

As the flush left her face, and her breathing calmed, Johanna ran her fingers through the jagged ends of hair kept short but definitely not neat. “You didn’t _tell_ me,” she repeated, shoulders slumping as though all the air had been let out of her.

“I already told you, I was scared.”

“Because you didn’t trust me not to hurt you.”

“Johanna,” Katniss said softly, “when we were in 13, I didn’t trust you not to hurt _yourself_. Just keeping both of us going every day, keeping myself upright and you away from the morphling, was taking everything I Had. Neither of us was in any position to be kissing anyone. I didn’t trust _either of us_. Not just you.”

“And what about now?” Johanna asked, feeling more than a little raw and exposed at the truth in Katniss’ words. “Do you trust either of us now?”

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have kissed you, I wouldn’t tell you that I love you, if I didn’t trust you.”

“You _didn’t_ tell me that you love me.”

“Well, I do. I love you and I loved you in District 12 and maybe I even loved you in District 13, too. I don’t know. I just know that I’m here right now, and I love you. And if that’s not enough, or if it’s too much, then sorry, but it’s what I’ve got. And I want you to have it.

Johanna tried desperately to collect all of the thoughts and emotions and words in her mind, to formulate a proper response. What she came up with instead, as she let herself fall backwards onto the couch, was, “Thank you.”

“For what?” Katniss asked, making no motion to join her.

“I don’t know,” Johanna said, grabbing Katniss by the arm and pulling her down. “For everything. For coming here. For being there in 13. For putting up with my bullshit. For loving me. That’s stupid, by the way. Terrible idea. But thank you.”

She wasn’t expecting the words that came out of Katniss’ mouth next. “I was worried about you.”

“Why on _earth_ would you be worried?” Johanna asked, glancing around at the months’ worth of evidence of neglect visible everywhere she looked. “As you can see, I am quite okay.”

 “You’re not, though. You’ve been isolating yourself. When I left 12, no one had heard from you in two months.”

“That’s not entirely on me,” Johanna said defensively. “No one tried to contact _me_ , either.”

“I tried.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want to talk to you.” Seeing the wounded look flash across Katniss’ face, she added, “I didn’t want to hear all about your new life bread boy-“

_“Peeta.”_

“-and how everyone was doing when I was over here, alone,” Johanna finished, blithely ignoring the correction.

“Oh.”

“I can see why you used to let him do all the talking. You really kind of suck at it.”

“And you sure do know how to charm a girl.”

“Obviously. As I told you before, I am fucking delightful.” The cocksure half-smile was back, and Johanna casually stretched her bare legs over Katniss’ lap. “So, where does this leave us? You _did_ have a _plan_ when you came here, right?”

“Of course I had a plan,” Katniss said. “It just… didn’t really extend this far, is all.”

“So the plan was basically, ‘go to District 7 and make sure Johanna’s still kicking’?”

“Basically.”

“And now that you’ve done that?”

“I don’t know,” Katniss admitted. “I don’t want to go back to District 12. At least, not now. I really just… need to not be there right now. I don’t suppose I could stay here? At least for a little while? Since I came all the way across the country-“

“Uninvited.”

“Since I came _all the way across the country_ to check on you.”

“Freeloader.”

“And you call this being delightful?”

“I call this being _fucking_ delightful, yes,” Johanna said. “And yes, you can stay. But if you actually want to do this, we’re going to have to figure something out eventually, because I am _not_ interested in that long-distance bullshit.”

“Yeah,” Katniss agreed. “But can we do that tomorrow? Or anytime that isn’t today? Because I think I’ve done enough figuring out for one day.”

“Anytime that’s not today sounds good. But that begs the questions: what _should_ we do today?”

“Well, your idea of lounging around half-naked all day _might_ have _some_ merit.”

“Ohhhh. And here I thought I didn’t wear enough clothes for you.”

Katniss rolled her eyes, and said in a tone that implied this much should be abundantly obvious, “Yes, but that was when you were the only one doing it.”

“Oh.” Johanna paused for a moment before finally asking, “Are you sure you only want to be _half_ naked?”

 


End file.
